Give me Coffee or give me Death: a Chapter in the Life of a Caffeine Addict

Regular readers of my blog are familiar with my tendency to wax rhapsodic about the joys of caffeine. Coffee is to me what cocaine is to Sherlock Holmes; the cure for mental stagnation and the elixir of life (and, fortunately for me, the entirely legal and socially appropriate addiction for an academic).

That said, I find it miraculous that I can type in complete, grammatically-correct sentences right now. I have spent the past three days battling with headaches, excessive sarcasm (even for me) and the occasional twitch. Why, you ask? Simple: I’m currently visiting my parents, who, for the last few years, have been subjecting themselves, and occasionally me, to the muddy mess called half-caff coffee. Since Thursday, I have been walking around in a withdrawal-induced haze with approximately 50 % less caffeine circulating through my bloodstream than my body is usually accustom to receiving. Admittedly there is a legitimate, medical reason for this switch on my parents’ part to the abomination of beverages. Caffeine is technically not supposed to be part of my father’s diet. In fact, he was “strongly urged” by his cardiologist to remove coffee, chocolate, and red wine from his diet. Coffee, chocolate, and wine: shit, double shit, and triple shit. The above are my personal trinity. The removal of any or all will more than likely spell my demise. Dad says it keeps him alive. I say: give me coffee or give me death. Cut off my caffeine supply, and I’m about as pleasant as a premenstrual lioness.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make contact with a chemical engineer about that long-anticipated 24-hour caffeine drip I’ve been dreaming of.


  1. Rob Rubin said

    I’ve got my parents and my crazy 90 year old aunt with me so I am WAY past caffeine now. In fact I think the ABC store closes in 10 minutes and Im dangerously low on Johnny Walker Black.

    Rob, the mainland.

    • poetprodigy7 said

      Oh, did I forget to mention the white russians? I might need more vodka.

  2. One of the reasons why I live in the building I am in, is the free coffee in lobby 24 hours a day.

    • poetprodigy7 said

      That would be a definite selling point for me. 🙂

  3. Caffine withdrawl of any degree is a hard pain in the ass. Trust me, I’ve been there when I was over doing the green tea. Once I had rappid heart beat and dehydration I was asked to cut out and once my body adjusted to drink in moderation. I’d say the 2nd time I got taken off caffine was when I’d drink 4 diet sodas a day because of stress. Thankfully I’m down to just 1 tea or 1 soda a day. Not easy. When I got withdrawl symptoms I’d drink out of pilot (small bottles/cans) sodas or teas. I rarely drink coffee.

  4. Oh man, Life without coffee…that’s a sinners life. I make coffee every morning, nearly black, and if I don’t then you can forget about human kindness or decency. At that piont everything just sucks and people better back off or I’ll drop kick them. But, on the pleasanter side, when i do get my fix I can be as pleasant as can be. :0 Cheers.

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